Why Fixing Yourself Isn’t Working (And What to Do Instead)

You might still be searching for something that finally helps, but you’re probably tired of productivity hacks, mindset shifts, and endless ways to “get on top of yourself”.

You’re probably already doing plenty.

What I see again and again in my work with women with ADHD is not a lack of effort, insight, or care. It’s the opposite. So many women are capable, reflective, intelligent, and deeply committed to doing life well. Yet despite all that effort, something still feels off. Life feels heavier than it should. Harder to sustain. Like you’re constantly pushing uphill.

That’s where alignment comes in.

The Aligned Ecology Model (AEM) is the framework that underpins my work. It starts from a simple but often overlooked truth: wellbeing isn’t about fixing yourself. It’s about how well your life fits you.

AEM looks at wellbeing through two interconnected lenses: your inner ecology and your outer ecology.

Your inner ecology is everything happening inside you. Your mind, body, emotions, energy, needs, values, and the different parts of you that have developed over time. Parts that learned to over-achieve, people-please, push through, or stay hyper-vigilant just to cope. These parts aren’t flaws. They’re adaptive responses.

Your outer ecology is the world around you. Your work, home, relationships, finances, systems, routines, environments, and expectations. These structures either support your nervous system and brain, or quietly drain them.

When your inner and outer ecologies are aligned, life feels easier. There’s more flow. More clarity. Less self-attack. When they’re misaligned, everything costs more energy, even the basics.

Most women with ADHD have spent years assuming that when something isn’t working, the problem must be them. That belief alone creates enormous strain.

This is where the Anti-Fix Approach (AFA) comes in.

The Anti-Fix Approach is the how. It’s a gentle, practical process designed to help you stop fixing yourself and start designing a life that actually works for you. It follows four steps: Decode, Deconstruct, Design, and Align.

Decode is the what.

It’s about slowing down and noticing what’s actually happening, inside you and around you, without judgement. We pay attention to both friction and flow. Where things feel hard, draining, or effortful, and where things feel easier, energising, or more natural.

We notice patterns, energy shifts, emotional responses, body signals, and moments of ease. Nothing needs fixing yet. We’re simply gathering information about how your system responds.

This step builds self-awareness and self-trust, rather than more self-criticism.

Deconstruct is the why.

Once we can see what’s happening, we explore why certain areas feel out of sync and why others flow more easily.

Is there an inner pattern or protective part involved? A belief or habit shaped by past experience? Or is there something in the outer world, like a system, expectation, relationship, or environment, that fits you well or doesn’t?

Often it’s both. Naming this brings clarity and relief, and replaces “what’s wrong with me?” with “what makes sense here?”

Design is the how.

This is where we explore how things could work better, based on what you now understand. There’s no pressure to act yet. We’re simply designing possibilities.

We consider what would support more flow and reduce unnecessary friction, both internally and externally. This might include new ways of relating to yourself, different boundaries or expectations, or alternative systems and environments that better match your needs and energy.

Design is a gentle, creative process that focuses on fit rather than force, and opens up a sense of choice and possibility.

Align is the lived practice.

This is where the design is gently brought into real life. You try things out, notice how they feel in your body, energy, and day-to-day experience, and make small adjustments over time. What supports flow gets strengthened. What creates friction gets softened or reworked.

Alignment works more like north on a compass than a destination on a map. It gives you direction, not a final endpoint. You use it to orient yourself, notice when you’ve drifted, and gently course-correct as life changes.

Less force. More ease. More sustainability.

This work offers clarity. It gives language to experiences that often feel vague or overwhelming. And importantly, it offers a plan. Not a rigid program or one-size-fits-all solution, but a map you can return to again and again as your life changes.

You’re not broken. You’re not behind. And you don’t need fixing.

Sometimes, you just need a different map.